What to Expect When NOT Expecting

If you walk into a bookstore, you’ll come across book after book with the same variation of “what to expect when expecting”. And that’s great.

But what about the thousands of women who absolutely want nothing more than to be expecting? For them, there are no books, no one flocking to their side to show exuberant support.

You are made to feel isolated in your struggles of infertility at best and inadequate at worse. The World Health Organization (WHO) states that 1 in 6 people globally are affected by infertility (2023). https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/infertility#:~:text=Estimates%20suggest%20that%20approximately%20one%20in%20every%20six%20people%20of%20reproductive%20age%20worldwide%20experience%20infertility%20in%20their%20lifetime.

Infertility does not discriminate. It does not target the poor, the minority, or the fairer sex. And although it is more common than you know, it it’s also commonly an ignored or unsympathetic state of being.

More and more, there are support groups on social media as women begin to speak up, but society tells us it’s no big deal and we should not let it affect our lives. I don’t know about you, but for me, even a chemical pregnancy is devastating.

There are some things you should know about infertility, especially your own infertility. These are things I didn’t know or expect when I suffered infertility, but learned in a slow process of dismay and disappointment. I thought I would go insane after two years of treatments in some form or another with zero results.

I tried to laugh through my pain, even as I internalized my failures. But the pain was stark and raw, and after several months I was flirting with debilitating depression. I went to work and then came home and often went to bed. My husband had no idea how to help me, and my lack of faith in God made me feel even worse.

There were irrational feelings and thoughts like “everyone is pregnant or just had a baby and all I can do is watch their joy while I am left out on a barren limb where fruit will not grow.” You’ll be happy for these people but it will HURT, and you’ll likely feel irrepressible kernels of jealousy and self-pity.

You will feel inadequate at some point. This is normal and okay, but it is difficult to process these feelings. I know for me I felt like it was ONLY my fault and that I was this broken thing. Rationally, I knew that it wasn’t all on me but that feeling persisted off and on throughout my entire infertility journey.

When your blood results show low progesterone levels you will unreasonably not feel good enough (There’s that inadequacy again!). They tell you to keep a positive attitude because your emotions affect the process, but that seems almost impossible. Patience is a marathon in which you will at some point stumble and feel completely lost. Some days are better than others, but keeping your eye on the end result does help.

You’re going to hear a lot of unhelpful comments like “Why not adopt?” and you will feel selfish for wanting your own child over someone else’s. So many people told me after a year of trying with no results that I should choose adoption because there are so many children out there needing a loving home. I carried such shame and guilt over still wanting a child I carried.

I agreed that there are kids who need a home, and I would love to one day foster or adopt if possible. I had always dreamed of being a mom and experiencing all of the things that come with that esteemed title though. It felt like people around me were judging me for trying so hard and for so long when I could help a child in need.

Don’t let this shroud you in anxiety and depression. Outsiders don’t get to make you feel bad for wanting something they already have. You are not a bad person for wanting your own flesh-and-blood child.

You will hear ‘have you tried this’ and ‘this worked for me’. When you’ve exhausted those avenues with no positive result, you will feel crushed. You, in turn, will ultimately come to dislike other’s advice when it never works for you.

I had to learn to bite my tongue when well-wishing coworkers bombarded me with rapidly evolving advice as my infertility persisted. They meant well.

Baby pictures will no longer be cute to you because they come to represent what you are being denied. It’s like shoving chocolate cake into the face of someone who is starving to death and tell them they can look but never have.

And being denied a baby does create a void in you that nothing else can fill. You feel like you are empty inside with no way to satiate or appease yourself.

Fertility drugs will turn you into a crazy woman and your husband may start to fear you. Also, you may start to fear yourself. It’s hard being a woman with all of the emotional, hormonal fun bits, so adding the heavy toll from the medications is a bit much.

They cause mood swings, anxiety, and even depression. Often, these mood swings rival those you feel when you’re actually pregnant. They even alter your libido and coupled with the stress you’re sure to be experiencing, it can make it hard to even want to have sex when the right time comes.

If you’re anything like me, you will begin to associate intimacy with your spouse with failure and it may begin to feel like a chore.

In addition, these treatments cause physical side effects like (but not limited to) joint/muscles pain, headache, nausea, bloating, breast tenderness, constipation, sleep troubles, weight gain, swelling of feet, ankles, and lower legs.

Isn’t it funny that a lot of these symptoms mimic real pregnancy symptoms? If you manage to actually fall pregnant, you will feel sympathy for elephants’ gestational term of 22 months because it feels like you experience a pregnancy far longer than humanly possible.

When I did manage to get pregnant, the physical and psychological aspect wasn’t all that difficult because I’d previously spent the last two years already experiencing similar symptoms.

By the way, I didn’t get pregnant until after I gave up on the fertility meds. I’ve been told this happens often. You go through several rounds of treatment, become too stressed to conceive, and once quitting the meds, your next moment of intimacy during ovulation proves to be fruitful because your anxiety and stress is lowered.

If you are taking the medications or being given injections, you will come to despise them even as you pray they work. Prayerfully, it doesn’t progress past that point. If you have to try intrauterine insemination, in vitro fertilization, or donor eggs then you will know how much of a financial burden it is.

Some of these options yield great results—though not always affordable—but you will almost go to any lengths for that baby you so badly desire.

If not yet taking these more financially drastic measures, you will waste money on ovulation kits.

Every month.

When they don’t show a positive for ovulation, no matter how many you take, you begin to question your ability to pee on a stick. Seriously, it isn’t that difficult, right? Turned out, my ovulation negatives were because I ovulate later in my cycle for what is typical so we were testing and trying too early each month. They don’t really tell you that can happen.

Six months of treatment with persistently low progesterone levels will make you loathe your own body. I got to the point where I hated myself. I’d even begun to question whether I would even be worthy of becoming a mother. It felt like I had done something to be punished, or that God withheld that particular blessing because I didn’t deserve it.

These feelings are normal but unwarranted and fallacy. You will have pity parties inside your head after every monthly failure before picking yourself up and dusting yourself off. You will cry when you’re alone, and maybe sometimes when you aren’t.

I hope you don’t suppress these personal struggles with your partner. I struggled even worse when I bottled it all up.

You will pray daily for other women in your position because you know how much pain they’re going through. You are not alone, even if it feels that way sometimes. As much as you internalize the battle, remember that this is a much more common occurrence than you know. Women are taught not to talk about this kind of issue, just as with miscarriage.

These things are devastating, and yet society tells us to keep moving forward like nothing is wrong. Which is impossible.

But you will persevere, despite all of the above.

You will learn the difference between your timing and God’s timing. You may come to accept that God’s plans may not coincide with yours. And hopefully you will praise God nonetheless because He knows our needs even when we do not. If you have faith in Him and surrender your burdens to Him, you will feel a freedom from your struggles and anguish. You will remember God knows your heart, feels your pain, and never lets you weather the storm alone.

You will remember that after every storm of life, there is a rainbow. Be kind to yourself and do what you can to maintain an optimistic view. I know it’s a very difficult thing to do, but mindset does matter. Seek support. You got this.

Signed,

               a woman just like you.